It seems that since Las Vegas I’ve been learning so much about beautiful, healthy, abundant love. Not long after my last blog my parents went away on a ten day trip in Hawaii (a retirement present from my dad’s generous employees at the State Hospital.) I’ve been staying at my parent’s house since I got back from the Birth Attendant School in June, which made me the “house sitter”. This would have been a breeze, however my two lovely puppies got into a fight over a bone the day before my parents were to fly out, and my basset hound Lucy obtained an injury to her right eye. She ended up going to the pet emergency room, and needed a follow up with her vet the next day. This was scheduled for the day after my parents left, leaving me the proud owner of a basset hound. It was fun for a moment, pretending I was the sole care giver of another living being. That was until I had to lift her smelly, overweight basset body into my parents SUV. It was even less fun when her vet referred me to a veterinary optometrist due to too much pressure in her eye. We would need to make an emergency appointment, only to find that she would loose her eye the next morning. And so, I was then entrusted with an old, smelly, overweight, one eyed basset hound named Lucy who when she was a puppy ate my favorite sandals and once attempted to bite my foot off after I attempted to take a piece of plastic out of her mouth. Needless to say she’s not been on my “favorite list” since the mid ‘90s. Anyway, I surprisingly enough ended up falling in love with her sorry little self. The way she followed me around with that silly “Elizabethan” collar, the way I had to hand feed her, the way she’d cry at my bedroom door when I’d go to sleep at night… I would come home early to give her, her pills, I would sit with her till she fell asleep, feed her, pet her… I began to think about dependence, and just how powerful it is to have something depending on you. Her vulnerability and dependence caused me to fall in love with her. It’s funny, because I haven’t had many things other than myself to look after in these last few months, if felt good to be reminded that it is nice to give, even if it is out of your own weakness, and even if it is only to a smelly, old one eyed basset hound called Lucy.

Life seems to be full of friendships and small adventures lately. The baby I nanny for turned one, we had a party with half a dozen naked toddlers dancing around, sliding down the new Superman slip-n-slide, and playing with the hose.

Karen and I have had two “outside theater” adventures. Karen cleverly devised a way to bring the television outside into the back yard. The first time we watched “Brother Sun Sister Moon”. To anyone who has not seen it, I strongly recommend it. I am forever changed because of its beauty, grace, and simple depth. I found so much freedom in it’s amazingly 1970’s scenes. The second movie we watched was “The Red Violin.” It was not as quite as revolutionary, and actually rather disturbing, but we had fun none the less.

This is from when Jenna, Amy, and I went camping. We shared wonderfully challenging conversation--- I am so thankful for the friends I have.

Amy, Karen, Gideon and I went to a fancy restaurant for breakfast one Sunday called the Cliffs. A friend of ours works there and generously gave us a $40 a plate buffet breakfast for free. It was delicious. Then we took a stroll on the beach. There were girls everywhere in bikinis; Amy said we looks like “nuns on vacation.” I laughed.

Karen, Gideon and I went up the coast to see the elephant seals. It was a beautiful coastal California day, and we saw a lot of elephant seals. Karen told Gideon they were like “ocean bears”. We were growling and laughing… it was a good day.

Danielle came for a visit. It was really nice to see her. A piece of my new home here in my old. We walked down around in the creek bed of our old home town Atascadero, talking about God, memories from our childhood, and our plans. We climbed a tree, Danielle couldn't get down... and we laughed. We even strolled through our old high school. The bathrooms still look, smell and feel the same. I tried my old locker, the combination has changed, much to my dismay. It was bitter sweet being back there; so happy to be done, and yet longing for the simplicity of such a "planned" life.

And so, I have been blessed with friends, fun and laughter this last month. As my brain has been full with thoughts of life, future, God, and “truth”, I have found refuge among these beautiful, joyful friends.

Thank you. All of you. I love you.

This week I went to Las Vegas. I vowed when I was 12 or so to never return, but the dear friends I nanny for own a clothing company called Something Sacred (www.somethingsacred.com) and were going to a trade show called Pool. (www.pooltradeshow.com) To be honest I wasn't looking forward to the experience for a number of various reasons, but I knew when we started driving that I would enjoy myself. My friend Lealah, the mother of the two wee ones I take care of, has been a good friend for around five years now. She's prayed for me through out the years, encouraged me, helped me, loved me... and as we began to drive I realized just how blessed I was to be trapped in a vehicle with her for 8+ hours. Our conversation proved to be wonderful, and I found the imagery of the rain that was falling on the desert as we drove to be quite healing for me. There was even a rainbow at one point.
When we finally arrived we were thrilled to discover that the house we rented for the week was absolutely amazing, and out of the way of the hustle and bustle of the "Strip". There was a pool, a water fall, a hot tub, and plenty of room. During the day Jon and Lealah would go to the show and I'd watch the wee ones. We had so much fun playing in the pool. It was great because the three year old would tell me to do all of these tricks like swim underwater, jump into the pool, do flips underwater... I had the time of my life. He's a lot of fun. On Wednesday I was able to go walk the show myself. It was amazing to see the creativity of my peers. It's a fashion trade show so they had everything from t-shirts to jeans to dresses to sweatshirts to belts, bags, jewelry, shoes, hats... It was amazing to see the different designs, colors, fabrics, cuts... I love that the human mind can create such beautiful, creative, original things. Not to mention the fact that it was wild to just look at all of the different people. Everyone I encountered was so kind, and warm... not what I was expecting at a fashion thing... serves me right. There are some really amazing people in the fashion industry doing some really amazing things. I was really thankful to have gotten to go, and really thankful to have been proved wrong about Las Vegas, and the "trade show scene". It was equally wonderful to see some old friends like Gabe with Goodietwosleeves (www.goodietwosleeves.com), Jesse and Cory with Rise Up (www.riseupinc.org), Seth and Jeremy with 805 Collective (www.805collective.com) and Dillon with WollyHood. I love the creativity these people have. Some to make people laugh, some to make people think, some to help people out... all are changing the world in some way or another. I respect that. It was really and honor to see into the world they've each worked so hard to create for themselves.

I returned home tired, and pensive. Sometimes memories and blasts from the past can be quite draining. But I suppose they are needed for growth, healing, and movement forward. I thought a lot about what life used to be like, five years ago, and what it has become. I thought about working with City of Refuge in San Diego and discovering that my heart beats for the poor. I thought about Connecticut and how I learned to learn again... to study, to think, to struggle. I thought about India... about the orphanage in Pune and about those kids who stole my heart. I thought about Philadelphia, community, simplicity, friends. I thought about Australia, Egypt and India, about delivering babies, life, death, pain, poverty, friendship, brokenness, hope, miracles... I thought about California. I thought about friendships. I thought about what's next. The coffee shop, the nations, my blurred vision and dream. I thought about the five different people inside my one single body with hopes and dreams that seem to be so opposing, like being a nun, and being a wife, living in America and living in a developing nation, having a hut and owning a home... I wondered why I only have one life to live. I thought about love, about hope, about change and healing. I realized that I have changed. Those around me have changed.
I've struggled quite a bit since I've been home. I've felt more like a shell than myself. Emotion has lacked, compassion has lacked, motivation has lacked, love has lacked, even thought, creativity, music, art... they've all lacked. When we were driving through the desert Lealah reminded me of how important love is. Since then I feel as though it's come at me in difficult ways. Love is not always beautiful. I wonder if that is why I chose to be numb. Love is hard, but it is worth it. It produces growth, humility, life... It means loving friends in ways that make no sense, even letting them go... It means seeing hard things like death and pain in order to bring life and healing. It means patience, long suffering, hope, struggle, kindness, it trusts, it keeps no records of wrong, it never fails... even when it feels failed.
We went camping again last night. A dear friend of mine shared her views with me. She does not believe in God. She and another dear friend were sharing a very scientific, intellectual conversation. I can not be sure what, but something was said and I started to cry. I started to feel. And I realized in that moment just how in love with this God I truly am. Even in my numbness, confusion, and questions, I have a love that anchors me. It was powerful to feel this surge of "love" and "truth" overwhelm my body. They continued talking. All I could do was bask in the passion of it all. The raw emotion that hurt so badly, and yet was so powerfully healing. Despite my questions of pain, poverty, death, and hate, I found that in the moment they didn't matter. I knew, so clearly, so honestly in that moment that there was something so much greater than us, who's pain went far deeper than mine for the broken. And I realized that I still am desperately in love with Jesus. It just looks much different this time around. And I think that may be alright.
This season in California is turning out to be what I may have needed for the last few years. Like my good friend Cameron shared with me the other day... I'm just a flower in a field with nothing better to do than grow and give beauty to the world. And my God is beautiful.