I feel as though my pride is swallowing up this beautiful blog, as I find it painful to write about my absolutely “boring” life. From delivering babies in India to day to day in California. (scroll down to validate me…) And yet, life is what you make of it… Last week I was finally feeling as though I had a purpose again; I began to take care of the dearest elderly woman. She was so kind, so intelligent, and witty as anything. She made me laugh daily, and I really enjoyed waking every morning and driving the ever so long and beautiful journey to her house 40 minutes from mine. It seemed the perfect job- elderly care (one of my heart’s passions), a nice long drive (minus the tremendous gas prices out here), good company, the feeling that I was actually investing energy in something, and someone other than my self, and enough money to pay for necessities and save a bit as well. Not to mention it still gave me heaps of time with family and friends, something I’ve really appreciated since I’ve been back. Unfortunately most good things do come to an end, and this “perfect” job seemed to end much quicker than we had all expected. Due to very recent circumstances my dear friend and employer needed more care than I could provide… thus rendering me unemployed. I only found out last night. When I heard I felt as if this beautiful mass of terrifying openness was flooding my brain as I ran through all of my options… Thankfully I had gotten paid for the week before, but prior to that had something like 20 dollars in my account, with only 12 accessible. My feet were overcome with the desire to stomp like a two year old, my mouth with words like a sailor. What on earth was I doing, and where on earth was I going.

I called my best friend in Philly and told her. She wanted me there. I called my mom and told her. She wanted me here. I feel this unbearable tug, this pull, this tearing between places. I have a stronger desire to be here, for birthdays, holidays, family get- togethers, just to be available for my family at any given moment. But there will always be birthdays, if I stay till Christmas, then I must stay till February, but if I stay till February, I might as well stay till spring… there will always be something. And though my desire to stay in my home state is stronger than Philadelphia, I know with out a shadow of a doubt that I am to go. So when? With both sides pulling seemingly so hard, I feel as though I’d like to scratch them both, and run away to some remote village in India and deliver babies for the rest of my life. Oh, to run away… how sweet the sound.

Psalm 55:6-7

“And I say, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest;
yes, I would wander far away;
I would lodge in the wilderness;
Selah…”

Amy and I went to see a musician called Ryan Adams in Santa Cruz last weekend. It was a good show, and the next day we went to the beach where I got royally sunburned and am loosing most of the top layer of my skin today. Brilliant, brilliant girl. One of the highlights of the weekend was seeing my dear, wonderful friend Acacia. Acacia did the Foundations of Community Development School in Perth, Australia the same time I did my Birth Attendant School. Being both from California we became instant friends and shared most days shooting the breeze. We were experiencing similar “life circumstances” at the time and I found quite a bit of comfort and peace in pouring my heart out to her. She’s one of the kindest, easiest people to talk to. I missed her so much after our good bye in Australia, and was overjoyed to see her this past weekend.

On the way home, Amy and I decided to take Highway One home from Santa Cruz, which wraps and winds itself around the beautiful cliffs of the Northern Pacific ocean. It’s one of my favorite highways in the entire world, because of its immense beauty, and nostalgia. At one point we were driving listening to Johnny Cash, and the landscape had just become swallowed by fog. I looked past the golden fields to the rocky shore, and past the rocky shore to the ocean. Suddenly I realized how deeply in love with Jesus I am. One of the struggles I’ve found in being home is a complete and utter apathy. In that moment, in the safety of the fog, and the voice of Johnny Cash, with the ocean to my right reminding me of how beautifully small I truly am, the apathy began to melt. I remembered the Lion I have been reading about, Aslan, and I began to slowly remember what love is, and why we feel it. He truly is a beautiful friend. Amy and I proceeded to drive home, in the company of the Holy Spirit, talking about our Savior, a person we seldom truly talk about anymore… And all of a sudden life made sense…

And so, here I am… in my parent’s house, looking out the window into a beautiful blooming garden, a short walk away from my favorite stretch of ocean, with an amazing family just a drive a way. And there she is… my future, Philadelphia, calling me, asking me, waiting for me.

Oh, sweet Savior whose love knows no bounds, give me wings like a dove that I may fly away and be at rest… where ever that place may be.

California, Philadelphia, Australia, Canada, Egypt, India, New Zealand, America, Germany, Hungary… I love you all. If I was able to break myself up into a million pieces I would, and send them to each one of you. Perhaps that is what Heaven is… happiness with friends and family all in one place… But for now I am one solid human being…with nowhere, and everywhere to go. Praise the Lord. What a beautiful, blessed life of opportunity. I am thankful for the gift, not weighed down by the “burden”.

“To whom much has been given much is required…” And so with that, onward I go…

Colorado... sweet Colorado. My mom and I just returned from a week long trip to Durango, Co. We've made this trip dozens of times before, starting sometime in the '90s. It's always been something I look forward to, and can't count how many times in the past year I dreamed of the cool Colorado air, or the tree covered mountain tops. After two days of driving through the burning desert, my dreams came true. I found myself driving on beautiful roads through valleys and over mountains. Every where I looked I saw only trees or meadows, and suddenly I felt as if I could breathe. Our friends are building a house presently, so we stayed in a camper on their beautiful property nestled nicely in the forest. Everyday I would go for a walk along the quiet, still dirt road leading out to their new home. It was so peaceful. It was really nice to spend some time with my mom. She is such a fun, kind, generous person. It's incredible when your parents turn into your friends. It's an honor really. It was good to see our friends as well. I've known them longer than I can remember. Barbs ex-husband grew up with my dad and was the best man in my mom and dad's wedding. Of course, our families have changed, and grown, and molded over the years, but somehow we've remained close. It's wild to see the kids I grew up knowing as kids turn into adults, and I wonder if I could have grown up too in the last 22 years... All in all it was a wonderful trip. We truly do live in a beautiful, beautiful world.


Four Corners... Little did you know, I'm standing in four states at once.... my mom wanted me to get on all fours. I told her I was a grown woman. If my brother was there we would have taken an awesome picture I'm sure. We have some pretty sweet ones of us circa 1996...

Well, I suppose I have put this off long enough... I am home. I am home. I am home. Only, it doesn't feel as good as I imagined, and I long, yes, long, for my hot sticky bed in India, and the company of 17 of the strongest women I have ever met. I miss them daily, hourly really. I have found that I am actually more equipped to deliver a baby than I am to face the demands of the west. I have become completely and utterly distracted by anything that shines or sparkles, and have mistakenly lost bits of my vision in the process. The other day, however, with the help of two other very strong and wonderful women, I began to find what I had lost. I have yet to truly process the things I experienced during the Birth Attendant School, and often tear up when I see pictures, smell smells, or hear songs. I have returned to a place where my history bombards me, and old habits come knock at my door. Just when I feel like I want to crawl up in a whole for a year, a dear friend sits me down and speaks to me of grace. "Grace". I slowly remember the word. My head for 6 weeks now has been filled with "why's?", "how's?", and "what's?". I question all, doubt all, and wonder what we are even doing. Then the word "grace" slowly seeps through my skin and I remember. It's about love. Suddenly I wish I could relive the last seven weeks, and perhaps the last seven months... but then again, I remember "grace", and I breathe. It's not about perfection, it's about growth. It's about love, and understanding, it's about mistakes, and learning. It's about humility, brokenness, and maturity. The God I used to love, turned into the God I questioned, and then I was reminded of grace. Suddenly there seems reason to dance again. I am reminded of what's important, and the "why", the all consuming, all powerful "why" doesn't matter. I am beginning to discover what was lost. Love.
My family is amazing. I returned home to find my beautiful grandma healthy and radiant, my dad retired (thank God), and my two new nieces- breathtakingly beautiful. My ocean is more beautiful than when I left it. I have enjoyed time to read, and think... alone. However it takes me much longer to fall asleep, in a huge bedroom all my by self. I miss my "bum mate" as she calls me, at arms distance at any given moment in the night. I miss my little sleep walker, and hearing German. I miss silly jokes, and movies on lap tops. Perhaps I shouldn't start... it's strange isn't it? That we don't realize what we've got until it's gone? What a gift it was. What a beautiful gift it was.
And now here I am today... The BAS started one year ago today. Tomorrow is the fourth of July. I've been gone for the last two years, in nations that do not celebrate America's sweet independence. I look forward to it. My sweet America. My sweet, silly, old America.
"GRACE".
I miss you more than you'll ever know...
I just watched the videos we made for "fastforward"... you know the ones. And I'm balling hysterically. We are seriously so funny.